


Allow Me To Follow You

by Annerp



Series: The Land of the Living [2]
Category: Captain America - All Media Types, The Avengers (Marvel Movies), The Avengers (Marvel) - All Media Types
Genre: Bonding over trauma, But Steve does his best, Canon Divergence - Avengers: Infinity War Part 1 (Movie), Established Relationship, Interlude, Loki (Marvel) Feels, M/M, Not A Fix-It, Shared Trauma, Sorry but its sad, Steve Rogers Feels, Suicidal Thoughts, Unconventional Relationship, frostshield - Freeform, stoki - Freeform, talk of suicide and death
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-02-19
Updated: 2019-02-19
Packaged: 2019-10-31 12:03:42
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,426
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17849114
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Annerp/pseuds/Annerp
Summary: As the team gets closer to being able to safely venture into the quantum realm, Loki worries about what he will lose when they do.





	Allow Me To Follow You

**Author's Note:**

> This is an interlude between To Be In The Land Of The Living and a possible, unwritten, untitled sequel.

 

Allow Me To Follow You

 

Loki wakes with a gasp. Hand flying to his mouth to stifle any other errant sounds. This is the fourth time this week, the tenth over the past two and he is loath to wake Steve again. The dreams vary, but the theme is always the same. 

They are successful and he loses Steve. They fail and he loses Steve. They don't make it to the quantum realm and he loses Steve. He loses Steve. Over and over, he loses Steve. To Bucky Barnes, to his own foolishness, to grief, to death. The methods may vary, but the result is always the same.

Loki tries to tell himself that it won't happen. He tries to say that Steve would not leave him alone. Not after all this time. But he can't be so sure.

He lays there listening to the sound of Steve breathing beside him. Soft and even. His brow is smoothed, his sleep untroubled. As Stark and Banner have progressed in finding a stable way in and out of the quantum realm, Steve’s sleep has become less chaotic, less plagued by nightmares. 

Perhaps, it is the result of having something to focus on. Something to plan for. Whereas Loki's own dreams have become a landscape filled with horror, failure and sadness. He tries to shield Steve from it, but of course he notices. They are too close for him not too. 

Steve tries to help, even if he doesn't know exactly what keeps waking Loki up at night. He always seems to be able to sense what Loki needs. Sometimes he holds him, running his fingers through the gods raven hair until his breathing evens out. Other times, he whispers lies into his ear. Stories of a life they will never be able to live. Filled with friends and family and houses and pets and safety. 

Sometimes, he touches Loki so tenderly that he coaxes his release from his body with ease from the gentlest of movements. And still others, he pushes and pulls Loki's body to contort into pleasure so sharp, so intense, it borders on painful.

For a moment, Loki considers waking Steve up and asking the blonde to use his body to make Loki forget, but he doesn’t. If the way Steve had him almost bent in two, using every ounce of his super soldier strength to bring them both over the edge, mere hours ago, wasn’t enough to keep his nightmares at bay, another round surely isn’t going to make much of a difference. It would, however, result in the need for another shower and another clean set of sheets. 

Instead, he eases out from under the blankets and quietly makes his way out into the hallway. Once the door is shut securely behind him, he uses his magic to change into his armor before heading out of the compound. He follows the same path that he always does. The same one that Steve uses. 

He stands with his back against the wall before sliding down to the ground. Drawing his knees up to his chest, Loki takes in a deep breath and tries to ignore the way it hitches on the way in and the unsteady way it skips on the way out. He sits, running his fingers over his gauntlets, feeling the coolness of the metal. He picks up the tail of his long coat and examines the texture of the leather work. Anything. Anything to keep his focus and not let him think about the man sleeping in their shared bed. 

“ _We did it! The probe made it back this time. We’re going to run some tests, analyze the data and send it in again, but I think we may have finally found our way in and out of the quantum realm.”_

They are close. Closer than Loki expected them to be this quickly. They are closer to possibly getting back everything and everyone that was lost. And Loki is that much closer to losing Steve. 

Steve is usually extremely quiet, so Loki has to assume he must be making his presence known on purpose. The soft rustling of slippers on grass, the low brush of fabric against fabric as he walks. He doesn’t bother to look up when Steve comes over the wall and drops down beside him.

“You could have woken me up,” he says as he settles down on the ground. 

“You need your rest. There is much to do in the next few weeks. So much to plan,” Loki responds. 

Its an excuse. A weak one at best. 

Steve reaches out and takes Loki’s hand, gently pulling the leather coat from his fingers. “Yes, there is a lot to do before we are ready. But that doesn’t mean that you should try to deal with whatever this is on your own.” He looks at Loki and waits until the god raises his eyes. “Lord knows I haven’t dealt with any of my shit on my own. You’ve done so much for me. Let me do the same for you. That’s all I ask.”

Loki doesn’t respond. And that’s okay with Steve. For now.

 

Steve has started running training drills with the Avengers and Loki in preparation for going into the quantum realm. The first few days are terrible with Clint refusing to work with Loki, or even in the same room as him. The stakes are so high. Everything depends on the team being able to work as a cohesive unit. 

The strain on Steve is unimaginable. But Loki is there, by his side, quietly supporting him in front of the others and helping to hold Steve together in private. For awhile it helps distract Loki from his own concerns, but it doesn’t last. And soon enough the nightmares are back with increasing frequency and intensity.

 

“Will you tell me what it was?” Steve asks from the dark when Loki wakes with a whimper. 

The god squeezes his eyes shut trying to stop any additional tears from falling. 

“It was nothing,” he lies. 

And this time Steve does call him out on it. “Then why is this the third night in a row that you woke up crying?”

Loki inhales audibly, but doesn’t respond.

“I feel helpless. Unable to do anything for you. And you do so much for me. Please, there has to be something I can do for you. Let me help you.”

Turning towards Steve, Loki can just make out his features in the dark. He shifts his body closer until he has his back pressed up against Steve’s chest. He can feel the blondes breath against his neck, soft and even. 

When Steve snakes his arm around Loki’s chest, he closes his eyes and takes a breath. “I am afraid.” He pauses to see if Steve is going to ask what he is afraid of. 

He doesn’t. Instead, he presses a light kiss to the side of Loki’s neck. And Loki sighs, knowing exactly what Steve is doing. 

“I am afraid that when we go into the quantum realm, I will lose you.”

Steve doesn’t disagree. He has already died three times, he has no doubt that the quantum realm could be his fourth. 

“I fear not only that you may die,” Loki tells him, “but I also fear that I will lose you to him.”

There is no need for Loki to elaborate on who he is referring to. They both know.

“You won’t lose me to him. We’ll get him back, we’ll get everyone back. He’s my friend. My closest friend. And you…”

 _You’re not._

Loki hears it, even if Steve doesn’t say it. 

….you’re my lover.”

And that’s unusual. Steve has never been one for endearments and they have yet to define exactly what they are to each other. Even if Loki already knows what Steve is to him. And that is why this is so hard.

“And if we don’t get him back? Will you try to follow him in to death?” 

He can feel Steve’s hand spasm against his chest. Steve knows just what Loki is asking. If he is given the chance, would he chose to die rather than live without Bucky.

When the response doesn’t come immediately, Loki has his answer.

“I promised to stay by your side,” he tells Steve. “If that is your choice, I only ask that I be allowed to follow you.”

Another kiss, soft and wet against Loki’s neck. A cool exhale of air along his skin. “It won’t come to that.”

 

 

 

**Author's Note:**

> I know this comes across very downbeat. But Steve does his best to reassure Loki that he won't lose him. Even saying it won't come to him wanting to die with Bucky. So that's good right?
> 
> If you liked it, I'd love to hear about it.


End file.
